Written by: Deborah Cartisser
Some couples start out with both people fully participating in their finances, and others have a division of labor in which one person is in charge of the finances. There may come a day when you realize you want to take a more active role in your finances. It’s not about distrust or lack of control. It’s about a deep understanding that your life, your dreams, and your legacy deserve both voices at the table. How can you open the door to financial empowerment?
You’ve trusted your partner to handle the finances for years. Now, you’re ready to step in, not to replace, but to join, learn, and share responsibility. Your shared financial picture should reflect your voice and your vision. How do you communicate this to your partner? This is more than a money conversation. It is the beginning of co-creating a legacy. When you step into your finances, you are doing more than learning about accounts, budgets, or investments. You are taking your place as a conscious steward of your wealth, your life, and your legacy. This is about so much more than numbers on a balance sheet. It’s about understanding the decisions that affect how you live your life and what you leave behind. When you step into this role, you bring your values, your vision, and your presence into decisions that will shape the rest of your life.
The conversation may be more positive if you start with alignment rather than urgency. Envision the outcome where the two of you operate in partnership, talking openly, with trust and ease. Choose your language carefully, using “we” and “our” to keep the tone collaborative. You know your partner and understand how they are likely to react to your desire to take a more active role. You might open with something like, “I’d like to understand and participate more fully in our financial life. I trust and appreciate all you’ve done. Now, I’d love for us to share this responsibility, so that our decisions reflect both of our visions and values, and I can have a better understanding of how things are set up.” You may need to acknowledge that you are changing the system that they may not want changed. Calm persistence will serve you in this situation. Don’t let the discussions become heated. Calmly persist in finding other ways to create partnership.
Approach this as an exploration, not an interrogation. Curiosity will keep the conversation open.
- “Can you walk me through how our financial decisions are made now?”
- “What goals excite you the most for our future? How do you envision our legacy?”
- “How do you feel about us having a regular time to discuss our finances together?”
- “Are there areas you’d like me to get involved in so you can feel supported?”
- “Where do you think my perspective can add value?”
These questions aren’t just about gathering data. They’re about weaving your voices together into one financial vision. If there are specific areas that you’d like to learn more about, suggest that you start there. This is the beginning of bringing your voice into the process, so be patient with yourself and the process of becoming involved. You want to engender trust, not kick the door in to gain access.
Even the most collaborative conversations can hit resistance. If emotions rise, pause and suggest taking a break and returning later. Reaffirm your intention, “I’m not here to take over. I’m here to learn and walk with you.”Remind them you’re doing this for the good of your life together. Seek support if needed. A neutral financial advisor or counselor can help keep things constructive and help you become integrated in the existing process. They can also help teach you about how things have been set up.
Once the conversation is open, keep it moving forward. Schedule regular, calm check-ins on your finances. Focus on the areas you don’t understand or want to learn more about. Do you have specific worries that you want to address? Your advisor may be a good resource for education. Discuss the responsibilities you share and talk about how you both want to manage them. You may decide to delegate tasks or rotate the responsibility of managing the monthly budget, contributing to savings, and allocating the investments. Give yourself time to develop an understanding of how things are currently working.
Dysfunction in your financial world can be a symptom of other problems within your relationship. Seek help if your partner will not give you the access you are requesting. Go to your financial advisor and CPA first, to get access to information. They should be able to help you determine if there is a reason for distrust. They can help you determine next steps based on the issue you are experiencing.
Celebrate your progress: Acknowledge not just financial wins, but moments of connection and clarity. Keep track of what you have learned and how you have moved forward. Continue to focus on shared goals as this helps create financial harmony and builds a foundation for a shared financial future. This is where information becomes transformative, where you grow both in skill and in shared confidence. You are not simply learning to manage your finances. You are learning to align your money with your shared vision for the future.
Have additional questions on having the conversation around becoming involved in your finances? Get in touch with the Twelve Points team today!
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